Disclaimer: While the author of this article doesn’t like cats at all he doesn’t actually advocate violence against them. This is purely meant to be taken in jest as a silly response to a silly internet holiday.
Today is apparently known as ‘Respect Your Cat Day’ because people on the internet need another reason to force feed us (the sane, reasoned, logical, and intelligent mass of humans otherwise known as dog people) reasons why their cats are cute (they aren’t) and are better than dogs (they’re not). There is only one instance in which I would ever consider taking a cat as a pet and that is a world in which that cat is a tiger that can defend my honor in a world where all wolves and dog-like creatures are extinct. It’s a horrible thing to think about.
In all other situations, dogs are my animal of choice. I mean, just look at my corgi. Her name is Luna and she is perfect.
But apparently there are some people out there that like cats and this list is for those people. There are even people tracking cats in VR, which as far as I’m concerned is only useful for knowing where to swing my Vive-tracked baseball bat. If you feel like respecting your cat today because some random person a few years ago decided that’s what March 28th was for, then enjoy. I found a few games for you.
Kittypocalypse
This is the best cat game on the planet because it’s literally just about murdering tiny little kittens. That’s all you do. In the world of Kittypocalypse, a bunch of alien kitties are overrunning the planet and you have to erect a series of turrets and other defensive structures to protect yourself and your people from the ravaging felines. That premise is almost as ridiculous as the assumption that cats are good; they are not.
There’s no better way to respect your cat than to kill virtual cats as a cathartic release. Sometimes if you squint and strain your ears a little bit you can even hear them scream in pain as you blow them to pieces.
Konrad the Kitten
This is probably the most disgusting entry on this list: graphic content warning, it’s basically nightmare fuel. In Konrad the Kitten, you’re supposed to strap a Vive tracker (or a controller) onto a stuffed kitten doll and then pretend it’s a moving virtual cat inside VR while wearing the headset. Kitten dolls are already too close to the real thing to be worth buying, so making it move in VR just seems an unnecessary stretch.
I haven’t tested how far the tracking sensor will detect a punted virtual (or physical) kitten through a window or open door yet.
The Playroom VR: Cat and Mouse
Have you ever heard of the Stanford prison experiment? Psychology professor Philip Zimbardo rounded up a bunch of college students and stationed them in jail cells. He made some of them guards with proper attire and the rest were prisoners. Each were told to act their part in order to see if role enforcement and authority/subjugation were enough to truly alter someone’s behavior. In other words, would normal people do terrible things to another person if given the proper environment and encouragement. Generally the answer was found to be yes. This game is that, but with cats. It’s sick and twisted.
One person is positioned as satan incarnate, aka a cat, as you try to violently and viciously murder other innocent players, mice, that are simply trying to scavenge for food as a means of survival. It’s disgusting. All laughter is either forced response at gunpoint or played back via laugh track. There is no true happiness here.
Rescuties
This is a tragic, saddening game. What begins as a happy story with felines burning inside of a building, slowly dying before your eyes, quickly turns into something out of a nightmare. Instead of basking in the balls of fiery fur, you’re asked to catch them as they leap — claw first — out of windows and into your arms. You’re rescuing them, as in not letting them die. Disgusting.
The only good thing about this game is that you can also save puppies, which are basically distilled hope and happiness, as well as infant humans, so that’s a plus.
Catlateral Damage
This is it. The internet has gone too far. Here’s a game where you just knock crap over as a cat in first-person VR. If this appeals to you then we can’t be friends. I hope you run into a wall or punh a valuable decorative piece of furniture while playing this in VR.
More info about this really good piece of journalism can be found here.
Update: The headline has been adjusted and a disclaimer has been added to the top of this particular article.
